Stonegrillo's Journals

Start Over Tonight: CHAPTER SIX.

How the hell has it been 3 months since I've updated this thing? Insanity. Im SO sorry about that, and to those who are actually still sticking with me, I love you forever. I have not really been able to get into this story as much as I did with TOM, but this chapter is super important and it will pick up a lot after this... I promise I will do my best to update more! :)

I tried to make this chapter pretty long to make up for my lack of updates.. hah. enjoy!

The walls had a tendency to close on me when I panicked, so I willed myself not to, willed my heart to cease from its irregular rhythm and calm the fuck down.

There was a hand in my hair, twisted and tangled, and it took me a good minute to realize it was mine. My pulse was crashing and banging so violently in my temples that I couldn't hear myself think.

Calm

crash

Down.

Josh was sprawled out beside me, one hand pressed against the headboard and the other laid across my stomach. His hair was plastered down against his forehead and the sight of it made him look young. Innocent. A smile pricked at the corner of my lips but the panic eased it away.

It was nothing Hayley, it's not like you haven't had sex before.

The thought alone made me grit my teeth together.

Slut.

I wanted to block out my nagging conscience but the headache was so gratingly painful that the agony alone drowned it out.

Since when did I drink so much?

His hand moved absently over my ribcage and it jogged my memory, revived it back to the arching backs and curling toes of the night before.

I ran a shaking hand - damned hangover - through my hair, cursing myself for ever letting myself come completely undone like that.

Hands clenching bedspreads, his name on my lips, scraping against the rough edges of my throat until his name alone rubbed it raw.

I brought my slick fingers up to my temples and rubbed them gently; I had heard rumors of the "morning after" hangover but I never knew it would be this fucking awful.

His hand stirred over my stomach and he blinked his eyes opened lazily to look at me.

He tried to smile but it set down into a frown; he groaned and his hand flocked to his forehead.

"Ah, my head is killing me."

"Not so loud." I hissed, and rolled over to press my head into his side. He chuckled and dragged a lazy finger up and down my spine.

"We should probably head home soon." He whispered, kissing just under my jaw. "Zac and Jeremy are probably wondering where we are."

"I never want to move again." I grumbled, but stopped mid-breath. My stomach twisted angrily and I pressed my hand over my chapped lips.

"Hayley?" Josh raised a brow, but I was already off the bed and kneeling in front of the toilet.

"Hayley!" He stood up, as if to comfort me, but I quickly kicked the door shut before he could come into the bathroom. I didn't want him to see me like this, sick and completely exposed in front of a dirty toilet. After a few minutes, I stumbled out into the bedroom, where Josh's bare back faced me. He struggled to slide on his jeans, still covered with splashes of mud from last night. I changed quickly, suddenly feeling embarrassed to be naked in front of Josh in the broad day light. He already had the room key in hand by the time I finished, and he gently curved his hand around my elbow as he stepped beside me.

"Are you okay-"

"I'm fine."I cut in quickly, not really in the mood for discussion. "Let's go."

He raised a brow and sighed lowly. I could tell his way annoyed by my attitude, but I merely strode past him and into the elevator.

The car ride home was quiet, and I quietly sipped at the lukewarm coffee that did nothing to calm my queasy stomach.

I glanced over at Josh, trying my best to seem casual. His face was blank, as if all the angles and planes of his face were carved from stone. I grit my teeth, a bit annoyed and confused by his attitude and promptly crossed my legs.

"I hate you, Josh."

He looked up, surprised.

"What?"
He seemed nervous - his hands alternated squeezing the steering wheel - and I couldn't hide the grin that slipped onto my lips.

"You made me drink last night, you asshole!"

He laughed - on that was mixed with a sigh of relief - and one of his arms curved around my headrest.

"Oh, come on, I didn't hear you complaining." He grinned, teasingly, as the car rolled to a stop in the driveway. He leaned over and kissed the hollow of my neck.

"Well... I... ah." My voice faded into a soft sigh as his lips pressed along my jaw and onto my cheek.

"What was that?"He pulled away, his voice still light and teasing. I groaned at the loss of contact.

"Oh shut up."I mumbled and wrapped my fingers around the collar of his shirt, pulling him back to me.

----

I realized with two steps into the doorway that the nausea was far from finished. The few moments with Josh had made me giddy - something I hated to admit but couldn't deny me.

He made me giddy.
Did that make me weak?

His arms were still wrapped around my waist and his head against my neck, placing kisses along my shoulder that were almost enough to distract me from my queasy stomach.

Almost.

But it wasn't enough to keep me from tearing out of his grasp a moment later, bee lining straight for the bathroom.

He followed me this time, kneeling holding my hair against my back as I leaned forward, slick hands against the toilet seat, eyes closed, shoulders trembling.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my palm and stumbled to the sink. I could his feel his hand against my back, rubbing warm circles against it - although I could see the uncomfortable look in his eyes in the mirror.

"You okay?" He whispered once I had washed my face.

"Yeah."

I was sure he could hear the uncertainty in my voice, the anxiety.

He brushed a strand of my hair behind my ears, and for some reason the simple gesture made me uncomfortable; he opened his mouth to speak, but the doorbell cut him off.

"I'll be right back." He tried to smile and took off at a jog to the front door. I shut the bathroom door and locked it - out of habit or privacy, I didn't know - and slid down against the frame.

Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes for no apparent reason, and suddenly I wanted to cry, to scream and pound my hand against the glass mirror until it snapped my pathetic reflection in half.

I could hear Zac's muffled voice and Josh's laugh that soon followed. I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be carefree.

I wish I could shake my pathetic insecurities off my bones and finally be free.

Zac was in midsentence when I heard the door creak shut. I cut Zac off and rushed over to the bathroom, feeling my heart drop when I saw the door hanging wide open.

"Fuck." I grumbled, and I fished in my pocket for my cell phone. I dialed her number - it was on speed dial, and yet I always had the old habit of typing it in myself.

She picked up almost immediately, her voice raspy and tired:

"Hello?"

"Hayley, where are you?"

I heard her mumble something incoherent before remarking, "I'm just going to the store, calm the fuck down."

"I wasn't angry or anything -"

"Yeah, whatever. I'll be back later." She sounded colder than I expected, and I heard her sigh lowly before continuing. "And don't come after me this time, okay?"

It was pathetic how much that comment stung. Don't come after me this time.

"Yeah, okay." I heard her mumble a goodbye, and I quickly added: "I love you."

But the line was already dead.

I sighed, stuffing my phone in my pocket and ran a hand through my hair.

"What's going on?" Zac called from the living room, idly flipping through television channels as he spoke.

"I'm going out." I said simply - he seemed quite content on his own, anyway. I grabbed my jacket from the coat-hanger and piled out of the front door.

I jogged in the direction I assumed she went - and since her car was still parked in the driveway, she couldn't have gotten very far. And in only a matter of minutes, I could see her shuffling ahead down the sidewalk; I slowed my pace immediately.

By the time I turned the fifth street corner, I should have realized what I was doing was wrong. My original intention was good, I promise, yet when she told me not to come with her, I tossed her warning aside like trash to a wastebasket.

Was it me or was I losing my already fading trust in her?

I scolded myself hastily, knowing that in my heart I did have faith in her - I was only trying to protect her.

Protect her, protect her. Goodness gracious, Josh, she's not a child anymore.

My conscience was hushed, however, when the little bell above the door tinkled; I realized that I had mindlessly followed her all the way into the grocery store. And, of course, I was too caught up in my thoughts to notice that I was only a few paces behind her. Even though the urge to throw my arms around her waist to surprise her was quite tempting, I ducked into the nearest aisle to avoid getting noticed. Fortunately, I had made my decision just in time, for her eyes darted behind her the next second.

And as I watched her move forward, I realized that there was a certain look in her eyes - like she was afraid.

I chuckled the thought away, for it wasn't that she was afraid. There was something else, something in the almost clumsy gait her feet were set in, or the way her eyes glared over shoulder once more.

Silly Josh, she isn't afraid.

She's just hiding something.

Hayley slid into the nearest aisle, drawing out a small box before walking over to the register. She glanced over her shoulder again and I pretended to look closely at a box of Fig Newtons.

200 calories, 45 grams of fat, Vitamin A included.

I felt her walk by me, the scent of her filling my lungs.

I froze, hoping she wouldn't notice and almost sad when she didn't. As if in a trance, she walked out the door without glancing up from the box.

I didn't want to go home, not yet. I didn't want to face her, and though the curiosity was gnawing at my brain, part of me was terrified to see what she was hiding.

Maybe it was aspirin, for the hangover.

Or maybe something for the mood swings that were driving me insane.

Don't come after me this time.

I walked along the sidewalk, streetlights blinking and flickering. I stopped by a park bench and nearly collapsed in it, drawing my knees to my chest.

It was nearly midnight by the time I pushed open the door, not surprised that Hayley had left it unlocked. Zac was snoring on the couch, legs up against the headboard and head hanging lazily to the side.

I tiptoed up the stairs, hearing them creak softly with each step. Her door was halfway open and I felt anxious to push it fully open. I ignored my trepidation and inched my way in.

She was sprawled against the sheets, her knees curled against her stomach. She had pushed the sheets down to the bottom of the bed, and I gently pressed them over her.

She looked so content that I could help but smile and gently slid in against her.

I heard her sigh and roll over to face me. She yawned softly and lazily opened her eyes.

"Hi." She whispered and pressed up against me.

"Hello."

I smiled as she fit her head against my shoulder. She kissed my cheek gently and curled her leg around me.

She yawned again and whispered,

"You followed me."

My hand on her back froze immediately. She was silent and looking at me, obvious expecting answers that I couldn't give.

She sighed and rolled away so that her back was facing me.

"Hayley," I mumbled, draping my arm over her waist. "I'm sorry-"

"I'm pregnant."

She said it so quietly, so softly, that I was sure I had misheard her. But she didn't correct herself; she didn't say anything at all.

I was shocked speechless, every word that I could have verbalized disintegrated to silence.

"Josh?" She asked after a moment, still refusing to face me.

"But.. ah.. how? I mean, we used protection the first time, and last night.. it couldn't have happened that soon!" My voice went up an octave and was far too frantic.

Stay calm.

She didn't respond, her hand idly playing with her t-shirt.

"It's not yours." She mumbled, and slowly rolled over so that her eyes were locked with mine.

"And I didn't cheat on your or anything," She rushed when my face turned incomprehensible.

"I know." I whispered. "It was him-"

"Yeah."

She awkwardly put her hand on my shoulder, then quickly changed her mind and moved it back down to her side.

"How long have you known?" I asked quietly, and she shifted uncomfortably against me.

" About 3 months."

The constant mood swings.

The nausea, even after the hangover had dissipated.

"And the box you got today?" I asked, my voice far to calm for how loudly my mind was screaming.

"A pregnancy test." She whispered. "Just to be sure."

"And-"

"It was positive."

I sighed, digging my head into the pillow and stayed silent for what seemed like hours. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, gnawing nervously on her bottom lip.

"Josh-"

"I'm sleeping in the guest room." My voice sounded so tired, although all I wanted to do was scream and cry until what was left of my sanity disappeared.

I couldn't deal with this.

I just wanted it to end.

"Josh, please-" Her voice was almost a whimper, but I couldn't let her sway me now.

My fist clenched angrily at my side as I slid to my feet.

"Don't, Hayley." I said, my voice cold and harsh and she settled into silence.

I left her alone, tangled in the sheets, not caring how the bedroom door shook when I slammed it shut.

Sleepwalker

I posted a tweet (is that the right twitter terminology haha?) about a song I wrote, and all of you would commented on it absolutely made my day... thank you so much. I was asked if I had lyrics - to what i was singing in the background - and although you're probably not interested haha, here they are:

I found you (down)
sleepwalker
just wipe the past from your eyes
i found you
sleepwalker
just take a hold of me
just hold on
sleepwalker
sleepwalker

i would love your honest opinion if you'd be willing to give it to me:

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?ynmyzhmotm1

TWOSHOT: Sink Into Me [2/2]

Gah, I'm so sorry this took me so long to get out. Disregard Hayley's actual family and family life for part of this... please and thanks. finally got buzznet to stop bitching so i could post this right... sorry if it looked fucked up for a bit. Enjoy!

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The water felt harshly cold against my skin. It made me cringe on impact, and I swam around like a drowning boy, desperate for the brush of her skin, anything to let me know she was still there.

Her hand slid against me, slick and cool, and relief bubbled up in my throat. She clung to me as we rose to the surface, her hands a tight bunch in the front of my t-shirt. In my desperation I had forgotten to take it off, and now, as it clung to me like my own skin, I regretted it. I inched until my back was pressed tight to the rocks. She pressed herself close to me and sighed; I'd liked to have thought that was a sigh of relief, a sigh of contentment. The water was freezing now, pricking goose bumps on my body, but her skin stayed perfectly smooth, as if she was completely unaffected by the world racing around her. She looked up at me and smiled, slowly and almost reluctantly, and stretched up against me to attach my lips with hers. It was a slow, nearly painful kiss, with her smooth lips reaching for places that they should have remembered but didn't. She kissed me like it was her first time, all childlike without the innocence. And I figured I would just have to her kiss her with enough passion for both of us.

With enough love for both of us.

And when she pulled away, and cold and shaking, I'd like to think she was smiling. That being said, I couldn't see a fucking thing - the darkness had started to set in - but I'd convinced myself that she was.

"It's cold." She whispered, running her hand along my neck.

"Took you long enough to realize." I whispered and she nodded, slowly, and scrambled out of the water. My heavy heart had sunk to the bottom of my chest as I realized she had faded back to silence, and I hardly had enough strength in my bones to climb out after her.

The sky was an ominous grey when she awoke, still face down on the beach. Sand stuck to her hair, glued tight with her slick, glossy tears. The sight made her look so damned broken that when she finally looked at me, I hastily feigned sleep and pressed my face harder into the sand.

Fucking coward.

She was only wearing a t-shirt, still damp from the sea air and the night before. She played with the sand idly, but her eyes stayed locked on me. They burnt holes into me like acid, eating away at my trembling composure until I forced myself to get up.

"Morning." I mumbled, rubbing my hair free of the sand with my left hand. She gave a half smile and nodded my acknowledgement.

That's a start, I thought to myself, and hurried to my feet. "Breakfast?" I smiled and offered my hand. She ignored it and scrambled to her feet on her own, brushing past me to grab her jeans from the rocks.

We stumbled into a small diner a few miles away. It was near empty, save for a hung over waitress still wrestling sleep and an elderly couple, pressed into the far end of the bar. We slid into a booth on the opposite end. I ordered a coffee for me and pancakes for Hayley, not at all surprised when the food lay cold and untouched when we left. I grabbed her hand and she promptly dropped it; frustrated, I grabbed her wrist and yanked her towards me.

"Just talk to me, for Christ's sake, tell me what you want me to fucking do!" My voice was a hoarse hysteric yell, and although I didn't intend on it, all the pent up frustration slid out of my vocal cords until I couldn't contain it. She flinched at the sound of it, and I immediately felt guilty; she began to untangle herself from me.

"Hayley," I whispered, and her escape became frantic, arms flailing, teeth digging into her bottom lip, hair breaking out of her already slipping ponytail, fingers clenching - until she could only manage a heavy sob.

She wrestled frantically with both her sanity and her pride. I knew she hated to cry in front of me, to show any damn weakness in front of anyone. But I knew from the look in her eyes that she needed that release. I could tell from her red-rimmed eyes that she needed to scream until her vocal cords ran raw.

I figured she deserved that.

But as I took a step towards her, she threw her arms into my chest, hissing, "Just leave me the hell alone, Josh, I 'm sorry I caused you so much fucking trouble." And before I could hold onto her, she wretched from my grasp, breaking into a run along the road.

Before I could even begin to think, the grey sky roared above me, and the rain came screaming down on me.

You stupid fucking moron.

I couldn't see her silhouette anymore, now shattered and concealed by the rain. But I ran after her anyway, catching the sound of her pain on the wind as I went.

You goddamn fucking idiot.
What the hell were you thinking?

I found her 48 minutes later, anxiously glancing down at my watch every few seconds to make sure that too much time hadn't passed. She was on the rocks again, legs halfway covered by the water. I walked up to her, slowly, as if I was approaching a wild animal that was ready to run. She glanced up at me, and immediately I could tell that she had been crying again. She ran a hand through her hair, and I could see the glimpse of the messy handwriting of a razorblade, scribbled on the inside of her wrist. It shook me to my bones to think of her hurting herself; but I pushed it from my mind and scooted next to her.

"Hayley-"

"It was my fault." She whispered, hiccupping from the remains of tears, nestled along the edges of her throat.

"You know that's not true."

"It is." She insisted, pressing her head into my shoulder. "Brandon wouldn't have ever left the house if it wasn't for me."

I remember the day they brought Brandon home. Mrs. Williams had lost a child after Hayley in a miscarriage, and that day, as she held that small boy's hand, I hadn't seen her happier. No one had. We adopted him, Hayley had dutifully informed me later that day. Mom was too scared to try for another kid. She was silent for a moment, twisting her red hair between her fingers as she sat on the front porch. I was kind of hoping for a girl. Y'know, a little sister I could torment and shit? She grinned and pressed her smile into my shoulder. But I think I like him. Hell, maybe I could love him eventually. She was hesitant, I knew, being that her step-father was hardly ever home anymore. I knew she was more than hesitant to put her faith in someone, just so it could be ripped to shreds.

I remember that day when her step-father did come home. He was hammered drunk, it took him near four tries to open the front door, and near six to close it.

I remember it was thunder storming that night. I remember how Hayley had walked down the stairs and how I was outside in my car waiting for her. We need a real date. I had told her, I'm gonna take you out for a real dinner. She was dressed up, in a green dress that made her eyes stand out like the headlights on a car. Her step-father glanced up at her and smiled.

She didn't smile back. He smile dropped, and I reckon he took offense at the fact that she didn't return the gesture.

You going on a date with that boyfriend of yours?

She didn't respond and fished for her purse in the closet.

I bet he'll like the way you look. But you know what? I don't. You look like a fucking whore. You know that Hannah? You look like a whore.

That's not my name. She spoke into the closet, as if she didn't care what he was yelling.

Oh right. Heather. Heidi.

It's Hayley. She spat when she finally found her purse, and took a quick turn to the front door. He stepped in front of it.

Now, now, you don't have to get angry about that. It's just a name.

Move.

He laughed, a low rumbling bark of a laugh.

Get out of my way.

He laughed again and pressed his hand to her waist.

Get out of my fucking way! She was yelling now, and six-year old Brandon poked his head from around the kitchen door.

Hannah, just calm down-

MY NAME IS HAYLEY, YOU FUCKING DRUNK! MY NAME IS HAYLEY! Her eyes sparked angry tears and she wretched open the door and shoved him out of it, onto the wet concrete. He fell onto his back and struggled for his footing.

Get the fuck out of here. Leave us the hell alone. Her voice was low and cold and she looked him straight in the eye to ensure that he understood. And she stumbled over to my car and slammed the door shut.

It rattled the car's frame like a cage.

We watched as her dad stumbled across the street and onto the path, one that winded up through the woods.

Should we follow him or something? He probably shouldn't be out alone this late-

It doesn't matter, Josh. She cut me off, her voice tired and slow. Let's just go to dinner.

But before I could start the engine, Brandon sprinted out in front of the car, the lightening illuminating his body as he ran along the path.

Hayley shot out of the car before I could speak, and I could hear her screaming after him as she rushed down the path.

Brandon! Her feet slapped like stones against the wet pavement.

One two. One two.

Brandon, just leave him alone!

Brandon, get back here!

Brandon!

Her voice faded as I sat idle in the car; I tapped my fingers against the dashboard until I couldn't help but run after them. The path folded until the woods until I couldn't differentiate between the trees and the path in front of me.

I immediately regretted my decision.

But I ran along the path like I knew where I was headed, brushing the rain from my face as I went.

And then I heard it, the screech of a car's tires, a strangled yell, and broken sob, a crack of thunder. I ran faster until I broke through the forest.

My head reeled as I came to terms with the scene in front of me.

Hayley by the road, crying, screaming, banging her fists against the pavement.

Brandon, face down on the street.

A car twisted at an awkward angle in front of him.

Hayley's step-father, pointing at Brandon, whispering - whether to himself or Hayley, I didn't know.

Hannah, Hannah, there's blood. There's blood and I can't clean it up.

"It wasn't your fault, Hayley." I whispered as she dipped her legs farther into the water. "No one thinks that."

"Everyone thinks that, Josh. I hear what they say about me. They think I'm fucking crazy. How does silence translate to lunacy?"

I sighed and twined my fingers with hers.

"I thought, maybe, that if I stayed completely silent, nothing would happen. Maybe, if I stayed silent, everyone would leave me the hell alone. Then maybe I would even have anything to lose."

I stayed quiet and played idly with her fingers.

"You'll always have me, you know. No matter how hard you try to lose me."

She chuckled, softly, and pressed her head into my shoulder.

"I know. I've known you long enough to know that you're a stubborn ass."

She laughed again and I couldn't help but laugh with her. She pulled me close and kiss me, slow and deep, and for the first time in months, she kissed me like she knew me again.

And even though it was just a kiss, it was a start.

You're all I see, sink into me.

Q&A: Answers!

Lainie:

1. what is your biggest fear?
hmm, i guess my biggest fear is losing touch with myself. y'know? i feel like not knowing who you really are anymore is a hell of a lot worse than other people not knowing what you're about. if that makes sense.

2. if you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
i would love to go to india again. that was awesome.

Gee:

1. if you could have any super/magical powers, what would they be?
i would want to be able to stop time, but still be able to move around and do shit. that way when i would start time again, people would be like "wtf, why is my shirt on backwards?!"

Audrey:

1.favorite person on buzznet?
ah goshh i couldn't pick just one! all you cool cats, i don't want to be mean and name names, because i will most likely end up forgetting someone..

2. favorite song?
of all time? oh fuck.. uh either stay awake by lydia or you know how i do by taking back sunday. but that will probably end up changing soon haha

3. if you could go to dinner with 4 people who are dead, who would they be?
my uncle and my grandfather because i miss them. anddd probably jimi hendrix so i could ask him how he got his hair to be so badass, and of course, the dog from taco bell that just died. haha

Katie:

1. if you had to choose to save Hayley Williams or Sierra Kusterbeck from a sinking ship, who would it be?
ahhhh way to pick a ridiculously hard question hah! uhmmmmmm well i would feel bad about leaving either, but i guess i would go for Sierra first - because there are so many people that love/know about Hayley that they would hopefully save her while i saved Sierra! it's like a double play hah.

Regina:

1.What's your current addiction, if any? Or love? XD
diet coke is my current addiction hah. i drink it more than water.

2.Who is one person you really want to meet and sit down and talk to etc., and why?
hmmm i guess mr. leighton antleman from lydia because i feel like (for some reason) he'd be someone that would understand my fucked up problems and help me through them. probably because a lot of lydia's songs are really angsty and passionate... i dunno hah. and of course, he's a cutie. :)

3. What got you started in writing?
haha this will be embarassing. i used to be quite addicted to a lil old site called Neopets (back when it wasn't like a tween gaming website...) and i did a hell of a lot of roleplaying with the peeps i met there. after that i was kind of sick of roleplaying and wanted to do some real writing, but roleplaying actually really helped me develop a writing style and all that shit.

Paija:

1. favorite oneshot?
ahh that's hard. either you lovely Therapy oneshot, Jenna's most recent one (i can't remember the name sorry hah!), and one of Molly's (mollyfarro) oneshots... back when she actually got on buzznet haha.

2. what would be your dream concert?
oh gosh. uhhhh it would probably be lydia, paramore, as tall as lions, taking back sunday, the starting line, jimmy eat world, arctic monkeys, and death cab for cutie. probably. haha that would be a long concert but totally worth it!

3. who was your first favorite band? and when?
wow. goshh this may not be entirely accurate (because my memory sucks balls) but... my first real real favorite band was probably green day back in like... uh.. 2005 or 2006? i was completely addicted to them ha. sadly i do not listen to them very much at all anymore...

whee! that was fun. sorry for my lame answers hahah.

TWOSHOT: Sink Into Me [1/2]

I have been listening to Taking Back Sunday non-stop lately. And today I took one glance at the cover of New Again and got inspiration for this... This will definitely be a two-shot, or maybe a three-shot depends on how much I can fit into the next part. This will make a lot more sense in the next part so stay with me...

The leather felt so crisp under my fingertips.
The summer breeze tangled salty knots into her hair, whipping around like frayed rope in the passenger seat. There was a smile on her lips, on that seemed so foreign after months of grimaces. But not matter how foreign, I welcomed it with open arms and smiled back. A vacation, my mom had suggested weeks before, and I was so desperate that I took the idea without a second glance. I wanted something drastic, like California or Mexico - anything to get away from the small town eyes - but I had settled with Florida.

I packed twenty-six CDs, a full tank of gas, and a broken girl into my beat up Sedan for an eleven hour drive. After four hours the guitars screaming from the stereo sounded so redundant that I craved conversation; but ever since the color had faded from her eyes, Hayley had hardly spoken a word. I had jogged up to her house days before, knocking idly on the wooden door, listening to it echo hollowly through the foyer. She trudged up to the door and opened it. Her eyes were still red, beaten raw from the constant presence of tears.

You're all I see, sink into me.

"Hey Hayles."

No response. I continued, awkwardly leaning against the doorframe.

"Can I come in?"

She moved aside. I slithered by, feeling unwelcome in a house I was all too familiar with. No one was home, I realized, for the only sound I heard was the slow cadence of the grandfather clock in the hallway.

Tick tock, tick tock.

"So," I turned around to face her where she stood, still frozen by the door. "I am planning on going on a little trip. To Florida, actually. I'm a bit sick of the rain." I tried to laugh but it came out as an awkward growl.

I cleared my throat.

"I want you to come with me-"

"No."

The harsh syllable bit through the silence and tunneled through my eardrums. It was the first thing she had said to me in three and a half weeks - I had counted - and it made me clench my fingers tightly in my pocket.

"Just think it through." I whispered and took a slow step towards her. I took her hand from her side and twined in with mine. She looked at me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that she was looking through me.

"We can get away from it all, at least for a week." Her eyes dropped to the ground, but she didn't speak. I sighed and pressed a small kiss to her forehead. "If you change your mind, come to my house at 7:30 tomorrow morning."

She didn't nod, didn't acknowledge my presence or my exit moments later.

I looked back to see her frozen in the door's window, and the sight made fear, slick and hot, creep up my spine.

I ran home as fast as my legs allowed and threw up on the doorstep.

I hardly slept that night.

My bags were packed, tucked neatly against the front door. She hadn't called, and although I knew she wouldn't, some part of me still hoped.

I couldn't lose her. I wouldn't let myself.

The room was too dark, too messy, too quiet for me to comfortably shut my eyes. I sat up, groggy from sleep I craved but didn't deserve, and turned on my bedside lamp. I wanted to do something, anything, to busy myself. I played my guitar until my fingers ached, I read until my head screamed, and I stared at the ceiling until all rational thought left my brain.

The morning came slowly and quietly, still shaking off the night that had seemed to stretch for years. I checked my alarm clock, the red blinking numbers blurring in my tired eyes.

5:12 AM.

Too early to get up, but too late to start to sleep. I threw on an old t-shirt and jeans, scribbled a note on the counter, and grabbed my bags. It took me several tries to open the front door, but I finally struggled through the doorway and out onto the driveway. I looked up and dropped my bags in surprise; Hayley was leaning against my car, a single duffel bag by her feet. She didn't look up at me. She didn't make a damn sound, she just stood there like a ghost. I collected my things and forced a smile.

"'Morning." I unlocked the car and grabbed her bag and mine, stuffing them hastily in the trunk. I slid into the driver's seat and started the car. I grabbed Jimmy Eat World's Clarity from the shoebox of CDs at my feet and pushed it into the player. As we made our way onto the highway, I glanced at Hayley and faked a smile.

"Pick a song, any song." I urged, trying my best to sound encouraging. She took one empty look at me and turned the CD off.

Hayley had drifted to sleep seven hours into the drive, and I guiltily took that time to let myself relax. The silence was heavy and I was too apprehensive to break it, mainly due to her actions earlier. The sun was hot and beat down on the car's top as we approached Miami. It was nearly 5:00, but the sun was nearly invisible behind the city's buildings. Hayley shifted in her sleep, stretching against the dashboard as she awoke. She rubbed her eyelids with the back of her hand and glanced over at me. Without a word, she focused her gaze out the window again.

By the time I had checked us into our hotel - a rather informal Days Inn, since I could afford nothing else - it was almost 7. Hayley sat idly in the hotel lobby, hands crossed over her legs as she stared blankly at a week's old magazine.

"I'm gonna head down to the beach." She looked up at me after a moment. "You can join me, if you want."

Without a word, she pushed herself off the chair and followed me out the double doors.

The beach was empty and the waves were slow, gently kissing the sand before they faded back into the sea. We walked along it, and every few moments, I would look over my should to make sure she was still behind me.

She always was.

We reached an outstretch of rocks, one that reached out to the sea like a fishing pole. I gently took her hand, rather relieved when she didn't pull away, and lead her over to the rocks.

"I love the sea." She whispered, dipping the tip of her foot into the rhythmic surf. "I missed the sea." I would've smiled at the sound of her voice if it didn't sound so weak.
"Well, you're here now." I slid onto the rock beside her and my bare leg brushed absently against hers. She kept her eyes focused on the water and the silence settled back in again. I watched as she stripped down to her underwear; although the action would normally surprise (and excite) the hell out of me, she looked so fragile that it nearly nauseated me. And without a word, she dove headfirst into the black water.

I watched as it swallowed her up, and for a moment I feared she wouldn't resurface. Her mother used to whisper to me in the dim light of their kitchen, exposing her awful concerns about Hayley. The worst consisted of a single word:

Suicide.

I remember when the word left Mrs. Williams' lips, I remember how it took me more than a few moments to comprehend that this curse of a word even related to Hayley. She wouldn't do that, she couldn't - but then I would remember Hayley's puffy eyes and screams and sobs and the slow paranoia would trickle in. She was broken. That damned day broke her.

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. I had to fix her. I needed to fix her, not only for Hayley's sake, but more my sake as well. I had to fix her for my sanity.

I took a long breath and dove in after her, into the black water.

Q&A

well since everyone else is doing it, i may as well... ask away! :)

ONESHOT: Dismantle Me Down (joemqi and stonegrillo)

stonegrillo: well hey guys! this is a little Haylex oneshot Jenna and I have been working on for a bit... I, for one, am really proud of it and how we actually managed to write this thing together and both get our say it. It was super fun, and I felt like Jenna and I worked well together and her writing was incredible. This was my first Haylex oneshot as well, so it was good that she has already had some prior Haylex experience.. This was super fun and I loved doing it... I hope you guys love this oneshot as much as we do!

joemqi: I really enjoyed writing up this oneshot with Leena. I think it turned out pretty awesome! This was the first time I ever collaborated with anyone on a story, and it turned out to be a really fun experience. It was exciting planning out everything, from the banner, to the posting, to the story itself. And she's one of my favorite writers here on Buzznet, so to be working with her on a oneshot was an honor. Loved this experience and this oneshot, and I hope you guys do too. :)

The attic door squeaked as I pushed it open. I flicked the switch and a single light bulb illuminated itself, along with dozens of cardboard boxes stacked messily in the corners. I had to feel for my footing and let my fingers trace the wall, built heavy from collecting dust. Cardboard boxes were still stacked in the corners of the room; although they had sat idle for years, I had never bothered to unpack them.

My fingers traced around the box closest to me and I dropped to my knees. The box was covered in a thin film of dust, and I hastily shielded my mouth with the back of my hand as I pushed the top aside. The dim light made it hard to differentiate, but the moment my finger rounded it, I knew what it was. I pulled it out slowly, hoping that I was mistaken but I knew I wasn't.

It was a picture.

And although it only looked like a glimpse of her hair, I could still pick out the wide smile and bright eyes even in the dark. It was almost bittersweet - the way I could trace her features on memory alone, although the feeling was so strong that it nearly made me nauseous. I remembered the way she scribbled down that date - February 14th - in her rushed handwriting. Her smile hit with me with such a wave of nostalgia that my fingers absently tightened on the side of the box; and I couldn't stop the rest of the night from flooding my brain.

The way her fingers clenched and unclenched immediately told me that she was nervous. Her eyes were trained tight to the ground, not wavering even when I twisted my hand lightly in her hair. I mouthed a quick hello at Josh who snuck by the pack up his guitar; her hair was still damp from the show and it cooled my fingertips. She was silent, and although I wanted to believe it was from exhaustion, I knew it wasn't.

It was intimidating, and it made my stomach churn uneasily.

"You didn't have to come out to the show tonight, Alex." Her voice was too tight, too rushed, and I pressed a quick kiss in the hollow of her throat in attempt to soften it. She only stiffened.

"I wanted to." I said simply, begging for a smile or even a mere acknowledgement. She was silent for a few more moments, before she shrugged off my embrace and ran her fingers through her hair.

"I can't do this."

My mind was racing , and suddenly I struggled to think of anything but the obvious that the this implied. She couldn't mean that. She couldn't mean us, she wouldn't do that, she wouldn't, she wouldn't.

Her hands clenched tighter in her hair.

"You can't do what?" My voice was surprisingly calm, although I could feel my fucking heart tremoring in my fingertips.

"This, us." Her voice slid through her fingertips like a snake, and the words burned the insides of my eardrums. I was reluctant to process them. Maybe I had heard her wrong. Maybe I was mistaken.

Stop fooling yourself.

She still wouldn't look at me, and suddenly the whole room seemed too dense, the air too heavy, my fucking heart too loud.
My lungs begged for fresh air and I was too numb to deny them it.

My exit seemed graceful, dignified even. It should have made me feel proud, but I found myself stumbling like a blind man to my car. My hands were slippery against the door handle, and it took me at least tries to get the damned key in the ignition. The streetlights painted a constant streak against my windshield. And suddenly i was fiercely tempted to glue my foot to the accelerator and let the streetlights blur, to let my eyes close and rush off into oblivion.
It would be so easy. A release, an escape.
It would be so damn easy.

My cell phone rumbled impatiently in my pocket, a rough hand pulling me back to reality.
"Do you ever answer your fucking phone?"
I sighed, running a hand through my tangled hair.
"What is it, Jack."
"No need to get your panties in a bunch, Menopause Mary, but Zack and I are going out on the town tonight and plan to drink ourselves silly, and hopefully bring a nice piece of tail home too, while we're at it-"
"I don't think I can make it." I replied shortly, ignoring the long sigh one the other end.
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised." He grumbled and paused, waiting for me to respond.
I didn't.
"Well I guess I'll see you later."
I dropped the phone hastily in my pocket and sat against the windowsill. The light was fading, darkening the already dark room, along with my already somber mood. I needed a drink. I really needed a fucking drink.

The car keys were already in my hand before I was out the door; I didn't even bother to lock up. I was sure that no one would be around to visit me.

If life had background music playing your song
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you

//

"You're early today, Al."
"That's subjective." I gave a half smile to Jason - a bartender that I had become far too familiar with - and slid onto the bar stool. "All I know is that I need a drink."
He smile slightly and pulled out a Stella Artois - he always knew my drink - and shoved it in front of me. "Just from the look on your face, this one's on the house."

//

I had stopped counting my drinks after four. It was nearly 9:30 and although I had been the single customer for at least an hour, groups of people had slowly meandered in. There was a flier, face down on the bar, and my fingers wandered lazily to it.
"What's this?"
Jason ignored my slur and snatched it from my fingers.
"An advertisement for the band that's playin' here tonight." He gave it a casual glance and pushed it back in front of me. "They play here quite often - they're actually damn good."
I smiled half-heartedly and muttered a we'll see into my sleeve.

I hardly watched their "set", as if you could call four boys crunched in the back of a bar an actual set. I hardly focused on anything, to be honest, all I cared about was the sweetness of my drink of my lips. It scraped my heart rawer and rawer but I craved it, I needed it to take me away from the fucked up state I was in.
I slid my empty cup to Jason and finally let my eyes turn to the band.

I was, if you may, a victim of the circumstance. Or, at least, that's what my grandfather would have said if he were still alive. Because I could see the peek of her red hair as he slid offstage, even as he pulled her close and kissed her. My stomach turned uneasily - whether it was from the alcohol or her, I couldn't tell.

There was a look in her eyes that I couldn't recognize, and for a moment, it terrified me down to my bones. My heart thumped heavily in my temples and my hand unconsciously wandered back to the flyer, still nestled in my back pocket.

You can do this, you can do this.

And even though it was only my damned conscience speaking, it gave me a spur of confidence. I sauntered forward and gently wrapped my fingers around her wrist; I could read the hesitance in her stance, but I tried not to let it phase me.

"Can we talk?"

I didn't add alone, but I'm sure it was already understood. She stood motionless for another moment, and I could feel her skyrocketing pulse against my fingertips. She didn't even acknowledge me and merely untangled herself from my grip; she started at her steady jaunt towards a hallway behind their rehearsal space. She didn't ask me to follow, because she was sure that it's already understood. My brain was sober enough to comprehend and I slid after her. I followed her dull footsteps until I could trace her silhouette pressed against the wall.

The silence was impossibly loud.

Her slow breathing echoed off the walls until it was all I could focus on; it edged me on, urged me until I was two steps away from her, hands still trembling. The cadence of her breathing halted abruptly and it took me a moment to notice that I was holding my breath, too. And for a moment her impossibly small hands gathered in a tight bunch in the front of my shirt. I could feel her warmth, smell the shampoo that I searched for in countless stores but could never find.

"What are you doing here?" She asks, and as I look into her eyes I can see the tears begin to gather in them. I shake my head and try to cup her face in my hands, but it's no use, she merely pulls away from me and wipes the stray tear that falls down her cheek. "What are you doing here?" She repeats the question with a tone I've never heard her use before, one that scares even me. It's so angry, so fierce, it made me want to walk away from the entire conversation. Despite having no more confidence left in me, I managed to choke out a few words.

"You're the reason I'm here."

She stopped avoiding my gaze and looks me straight in the eye, her green eyes filled with surprise. "Me?"

"You never explained," I continued. The walls seemed to be getting closer toward the both of us, or maybe I was just being a little too paranoid. Could I really blame myself? I was fucking wasted. She was the only reason I was even able to think straight.

I watched her every tiny movement, she was nervous, fidgety, and for a moment I thought she would run from me. I was relieved when she began speaking. "Alex..we..." I can tell that she's struggling to get her words out, it makes me almost pity her. But I can't run away now, I needed these answers. I've wanted these answers for such a long time. "I have a different life now. If you're here to.."

"Get you back?" I scoff, disgusted. What did she think of me? That I was that desperate? The anger almost distracted me from my real goal, but once my eyes reconnected with hers, I was pulled back into reality, back into our situation. "Hayley, I just want answers. That night...you never...you never explained."
The volume of my voice raised a little bit.
"You never told me why you left," I cringed at my tone, I sounded so desperate. Shrugging it off, I continued, trying to keep my composure. I was about to crack. "The last time I saw you was at that concert, you never bothered to make anything clear to me. You never bothered to come back, to explain. I think you can see what I want. All I want is a fucking explanation, Hayley, a fucking explanation!"
I catch my breath as I realize our little conversation had caught the attention of some. Our eyes disconnect and mine fall to the floor. I am sure she has had enough of my breakdown. I should just leave. It would make everything a whole lot easier for her.

"Alex..." She breathes out, her words barely even a whisper. "There was someone..else."
"What do you mean someone else?" I tried to hold in my anger. I unclenched my fist to try to keep myself from screaming. I needed to be calm. I couldn't explode in front of her again. She looked so afraid of me.
"Jude."
That simple name had my head returning back to the flyer, the words on it, the names on it. Once I realize who it is, the anger is almost unstoppable, I can't keep it inside any longer.
"Oh, you mean that fucking lead singer, don't you?!"
"Alex, calm down.."
"How will I calm down when I know you've replaced me with someone you know can't love you as much as I did? You cheated on me! How in the world do you think I can calm down, Hayley?!"
"What is going on here?" A third voice, one that's not welcome to our conversation, calls from behind me.
Hayley sighs as she looks toward the direction where the voice comes for. "Give us a second," she replies.
Just when I thought the rage had settled down, my eyes travel down to a glimmering gold ring that lay rested on her left hand.
My heart shattered.
"You..." I couldn't find the will to speak anymore. There was nothing to say anymore. Words couldn't express what I was feeling at that moment.
It was official.
She had torn me apart.
It doesn't take long for her to realize what my gaze was fixed at.
"Oh, Alex."
"Just tell me one thing, Hayley. What does he have...what does Jude have...that I don't? Huh? What?!"
"Please, Alex." She releases a sob, her face crumpling up. She breaks down with me. She takes herself down with me.
"Married?" I cry out, closing my eyes. I've had enough. This night was enough.
Before her boyfriend...before her fiancé, can run into the hallway to see what was going on between us, I was out of sight and inside a different bar, ready to forget.
Leave it to Hayley Williams to ruin my entire life.

It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go
//

A warm, though slightly uncomfortable light had come streaming through the window blinds and made its way to my face. I realized this light to be coming from the sun.
It was really quiet where I lay.
It took a while for me to realize where I was. The place seemed familiar - I knew I had been here before.
The couch was a beige color, and white pillows were placed under my head. I recognized this couch.
It was Jack's.
Of course. He had always picked me up whenever I got too drunk. I always ended up in his house.
I attempted to get up, but the immediate sting of a headache had me go back to lying down, for when I lay down the headache wasn't all that bad.
Damn.
I must have been real trashed last night.

"And so he wakes up!" I was a little flustered so it took a minute for me to comprehend who's voice was speaking, but as the tall, big nosed mother fucker came trotting into the living room, I didn't need to question anymore.
"Thanks for not dumping my body out on the streets, Jack."
"What are friends for?" He shrugged, speaking while his mouth was filled with Apple Jacks.
I once again attempt to get up, fighting the headache that pounded against my head like a wrecking ball. I clutch against the couch for support, though the action provides little help. The room around me is still spinning.
"You threw up in my kitchen by the way," Jack added. I roll my eyes and place my head in my palms, still feeling the effects of last night.
I thought I could forget.
I thought I could forget her green eyes, the hair, her smile.
But alcohol was only a temporary escape
Reality always hit me afterwards.
That gold ring. She was engaged to that undeserving bastard.
I sighed.
I was being selfish. She must have loved him. She loved him enough that she deemed him worthy of slipping that damn ring on her finger. They were engaged. She was gone, out of my grip. It really was over.

Was there really anything worth fighting for anymore?

I grit my teeth, running a hand through my hair as I relived the scenes of last night. Her expression told me that she had forgotten me completely, like there was no point in trying to beg for her back. Her words echo in my head, I'm surprised I even remember them after all that I had gone through. "I have a different life now."
It plays again and again, reminding me of what her life was now.
Of who she was now.
A bride to be.

Memories of the past months we spent together then began spreading through my head like a wildfire, consuming every part of it. These memories were the most painful to look back on. They hurt me more than anyone could ever know. Nobody understood how each fucking detail of our past relationship had stabbed me, cutting me deep and leaving me to bleed, all alone. Nobody knew.

The way she tasted when she kissed me, the nights we'd spend holding each other close, sitting on the couch, watching some scary horror flick that wouldn't make her jump at all. When she was afraid, she'd dig her head into my chest, hugging me just a little bit tighter. Those moments I cherished. The way she'd welcome me into her bunk, and how I'd welcome her into mine. I didn't know it was possible for her to get anymore beautiful, but I was proved wrong when I saw her in a dress that suited her so perfectly, it was almost uncanny. That was the best date of my life.
So many things to look back on.
And all of that was thrown away in the blink of an eye.

Hayley Williams.
She was everything I could ever ask for.
She was worth the fight.
I was suddenly consumed by this overwhelming need.
I needed her.
She was my light.
Without her, I was nothing but an empty body, something that should just be discarded, some stupid living organism that didn't deserve to be here.
That emptiness inside me could only be filled by one particular girl, and that girl was her. And that would never change.

"What am I doing?!" I hiss at myself, raising my head from my palms. Jack looks at me questionably. "Huh?"
"I'm stupid. So fucking stupid!"
"I'm lost!" Jack wails, mouth still full of cereal. I shake my head. He'll never learn.
Without another doubt I get up from the couch, ripping his door open and dashing outside. There was only one place to go that I'd undoubtedly find her.
Her boyfriend was probably rehearsing there, anyways.
She'd be there.
She'd definitely be there.
And I'd be willing to jump off of a cliff for her.

My feet dart forward so fast I feel like I'm about to trip. But there's no stopping what I have already started. The wind in my hair only adds to the adrenaline that fills my body with every step. I want what I need. Hayley Williams.

The sign of the bar that was once lit and colored with a pink neon tint now lay dull and colorless. But I knew I was in the right place. I knew I was in the right bar. My hand travels to my back pocket, and the flyer is still there, nestled inside. Making sure, I read over it once more, though I probably have memorized all the fucking words already. It says the band performs tonight as well.

The band must be there at the bar, rehearsing.
And she must be there as well, undoubtedly.

The air is coated heavily with the stench of alcohol, the bar isn't even open at this early hour, but the door had remained open. I step further inside, mouthing a quick hello to Jason, who sits at the bar, wiping it down. He seems surprised by my sudden appearance here, but he only nods, not giving me a second thought.

I peer around the rehearsal space, hoping to hear the ring of guitar strings or the boom of drums, but I don't hear a single sound.
Is she here?
Doubt builds in my mind as I realize the band was nowhere to be found.

As I approached the hallway we had our "talk" in last night, a wave of fear and anger suddenly hits me. After all this time, all she could do was run. Like she had been the past years. Running away from our problems, from everything we ever had. She isn't here, Alex. She's nowhere here.

My shoulders drop, and the full confidence I had built came dropping down. She really was gone, and as that simple fact registered in my brain, I knew that this was the sign to give up. Hayley will never come back. You can never count on her.

I steadily walk back towards the bar, knowing there was nothing left to search for back there anymore. Memories would stay as memories, and whatever we had back then would be as distant as stars. Forget her, Alex. Forget her.
But why did I have to be so fucking in love with her?

As I approach the bar, a certain booth in the corner catches my attention immediately. Right then and there my breathing had become unusually faster. Why did everything have to be so hard for me? Right when I pledged to forget the face that I had been desperately searching for, that exact pale, green eyed, soft face had come running back, torturing me. She was just as beautiful as I remembered, glowing there in her own little corner of the booth. The air around me was ready to choke me. I couldn't let out one breath.

And right when those eyes of hers turned to meet mine, I swear, I could have passed out right there.

But her small smile, if you could call it that, calmed me down, as it had always. She walked, her steps taken with care, headed towards me. My heart was ready to take me down, determined to push its way out of my chest. "I'm so glad I found you here," she said, her voice impossibly quiet.
"Here I am," I replied, and though I was angry at her, I just couldn't find the will to scream in her face anymore, much less speak to her in an angry tone. The look she gives me stops my heart, and for the first time in my life I am insanely terrified.
"I'm so sorry." Her voice is still small. And I'm sure she's still afraid of me, for her expression is anything but calm. She seems so tense, and once again I am back feeling like I did when we had our talk in the hallway. The air around us will poison me. The tension between us is strangling me.
The silence between us goes on for much too long, and I'm certain she will walk away, but once she opens her mouth, I am extremely eager to hear what else she can say.
But her actions surprise me. She doesn't talk, she only meets me in the eye, grabbing both my hands and joining them with hers.
And suddenly I feel like there's nothing around us anymore.
Once she pressed her lips to mine, I was already floating. Her lips had been something I needed for the longest time, and now she was fulfilling my need.
All I did was respond, grabbing her hair and any inch of her that I could, desperately clinging to her like a lifeline. I couldn't let her go.
It was magical.
And though I had thought this meant acceptance of me, and that she had left that lead singer to come back to me, my thoughts were proved wrong.
Her lips pulled away abruptly, and she turned her head away in shame.
"I shouldn't. I can't." Her voice was bitter and guilty, and I stood there, staring at her in disbelief.

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through

"What about us?"
"There isn't an us anymore." Her tears had begun picking up, pricking at her eyes and rushing down her face simultaneously, and she had such a hard time stopping them. Her lips trembled, she was so panicked, looking just about ready to head out of this bar.
"I can't do this." It was comical, almost, how she uttered the same damn words when she had left me the first time. And still, they broke me down like acid, eating away at the small bit of sanity I still possessed. And with her final words, she turned on her heel and ran out the front doors, her tears falling like boulders to stain the already rugged carpet. And I was left the vulnerable one, only with my swollen lips and a half empty Stella to comfort me.

Dismantle me down,
You dismantle me.

Livin' The Dream

So I went to the beach last week (although I'm sure most of you didn't notice I was gone), and ended up having a very cool story to come back with. Or at least I think so.

We went to a little beach in Delaware with a couple families that we've known since I was like.. four or something. The oldest in one of the families had been dating this kid named Augie for as long as I've known her, and one of her sisters sweetly informed me that he is the guitarist/bassist in You, Me, And Everyone We Know.

Now, let me tell you that YMAEWK is one of my all time favorite bands. For serious. And so I was like, WHAT HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!? So he ended up coming to the beach with us and hanging with us for a few days. And although I was like completely nervous to talk to him (haha screw insecurity), he ended up being a super cool guy. He even signed my guitar! And if I ever find the damn picture, I'll show you hah.

(he's on the right)

same dude! he was either showing off his nasty picture in this picture or saying how "fat" he is. I don't remember haha

We had this little "beach olympics" thing - we were obviously getting bored - and they thought it would be fun to bury me... I look dead/asleep because they were idiots and got sand and shit in my eyes.

So overall it was a very fun trip... Haha I'm sure you all care so much. Well whatever I just wanted to share my lovely story..

PS - Jenna (joemqi) and I have a oneshot in store for you soon... so keep your eyes peeled! ;)

Just out of curiousity...

What band has changed you in any way? What band do you listen to when you write, what band inspires you?
I always wondered this and I meant to ask this question at the end of the chapter i just posted but i forgot haha.

For me it is most definitely x324783254 Lydia. (if you guys haven't realized by now) i have an almost unhealthy obsession with this band and if you haven't heard of/listened to this band please consider giving them a chance... seriously. They create some of the most truly beautiful music i have ever heard; nearly every single one of my storylines has randomly popped up when i listened to Lydia.
if you guys want to hear some of their songs I present you with a couple i highly highly recommend:

This Is Twice Now
It's In Your Blood
Her and Haley
One More Day

So, my fellow wonderful writers, what band inspires you?

Start Over Tonight: CHAPTER FIVE (M)

I should have known that I couldn't stay away from you guys for too long. Not much of a hiatus, huh? Whatever. I realize I can't get through a damn week without writing... look what buzznet has done to me! alright, enough rambling. Sorry this is so short! M is for mature, I hope you like saunas. Hah! Sex joke!
Enjoy?

It started to rain as we pulled away from the curb. It was unexpected but heavy, pounding like stones against the windshield. Josh was perched on the edge of his seat, he chest pressed tight against the steering wheel. He would shift every few seconds and squint his eyes, struggling to get a glimpse through the wall of rain. I wanted so very badly to talk to him, to say something to break the silence that lay stagnant, swirling through the car's interior. I wanted to know what he was thinking.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?" His voice was sharp, and although it was only out of concentration, it shrunk the small bit of confidence I had to the point where I just slumped in my seat and dropped it. He didn't question it; I didn't expect him to.

We pulled into the Waffle House parking lot, the rain cutting across the sign so viciously that it was a surprise that he actually found the damned place.

"Here," I looked over to see him shrugging out of his jacket. I smiled. "Take this."

He held it out to me, not looking me straight in the eye as he tried to adjust his shirt.

"I don't need it, Josh."

"It's fucking pouring, Hayley, just take it."

"You won't have a jacket then."

"I'll be fine-"

"Give me it." I said with a roll of my eyes. I ran out of the car door and over to the driver's side, jacket in hand. He eyed me curiously as he inched out of his seat, shielding his eyes from the rain.

"Hayley, just wearing the fu-"

"Look, I would hold this over the both of us, but I don't think the height difference will let me."

He hid a smile and took the jacket, pressing me close as he draped it over the both of us.

The Waffle House was empty with an old jukebox in the corner, softly choking out 80s rock music. I was nervous for a moment, faced with the almost unnatural silence; Josh's hand was on small of my back again, edging me on to the nearest table. I sat down with him beside me. A man with a pronounced five o'clock shadow walked up to us, obviously not too happy about serving two gangly 20 something year-olds at nearly 11o'clock at night. "What can I getcha?" his voice sounded so bored that I was afraid to respond. Josh filled in for me. " Two beers." I sent him a look that obviously read are you fucking crazy, but he gave me a confident smile that made me grit my teeth tightly. "Oh and two chocolate-chip waffles." My fingers clenched his knee underneath the table. But the waiter - Randy, I think his name was- jotted down the order without question, oblivious to the heavy tension between us.

"What the fuck, Josh, you know I'm not old enough to drink!"

He gave me half a smile, gently prying my stiff fingers off his knee. "What if they're both for me?"

I rolled my eyes, latching my hand back to his thigh again. "Cut the shit Josh." He laughed and leaned over, pressing a low kiss in the hollow of my neck; my hand tightened around his thigh in some attempt to stop my eyes from fluttering like a lovesick moron.

Of course he noticed and I felt the breath of his chuckle against my skin. "Even if it was for you," He pressed his lips just under my ear and I tightened my jaw instinctually. "I think you'd deserve after today, don't you?"

I ran my free hand through my hair and didn't respond; I was too tired, too fucking exhausted to make my anchored lips move. He didn't question it, and if I had any life in me, I would have thanked him.

"Two waffles and two beers."

I glanced up and faked a quick smile at Ralph - Randy, whatever the fuck his name was - and grabbed the beer bottle before I could restrain myself. I needed an escape, any escape.
" I told you you'd want it."

I ignored him and pressed the bottle tight to my lips; it burned a smooth path down my rough throat and left a sweet burn in my stomach. Ten minutes later, Josh's hand was soft against my back and pushing me out of the booth; I held the remains of my fourth beer bottle at my hip and scuttled out of the restaurant.

I didn't know if it was from the combination of chocolate-chip waffles and lukewarm beer, but I felt my stomach churn uncomfortably.

"There's a hotel down the street." Josh's hand was still on my back, and I wanted to shake it off, because the ground looked so damn inviting and all I wanted to do was sleep -

"We should probably get a room there." He moved his hand up from my back to my hand. " Neither of us should probably drive and its too fucking late to get on the interstate, anyway."

His lips at my neck, spreading warmth down to my toes, they squirmed anxiously in my shoes and all I wanted to do was kiss him and kiss him until my lips swelled -

"I should have know you couldn't hold your drink. You are more fucking drunk than I've ever seen you." His lips stretched to a grin against my skin.

" Fuck you, if I raced you across the goddamn playground I'd kick your ass. I used to beat you every race at Franklin Elementary, don't you remember? I still would. Fuck you, Josh."

He laughed and spun me to face him, kissing me so hard on the lips that I nearly lost my balance and had to cling to the car to stand straight. His lips moved to my neck, collarbone, ear, everywhere, I couldn't even fucking keep track. And before I knew it his hand was tight in mine and he was racing me down the hill, over to the Holiday Inn, past reception, up the elevator, and into a room who's number was too blurred to read.

I couldn't even think.

I only knew that I wanted her, wanted all of her, any part of her that she would allow, I didn't fucking care. There was an old radiator hissing in the corner, a blurred bed dressed in flannel sheets, wallpaper that seemed red but it could have been pink. Or any fucking color, really, I didn't mind.

Her fingers were hooked in the belt loops of my jeans, pulling me so close to her that, even in my word jumble of a brain, all I could concentrate on her. If I remembered in the morning, I would commend her on that. We were still in the threshold, but I really had no will to move; her fingers tangled in a messy bunch in the front of my shirt and lips goddamn everywhere, I couldn't even keep track anymore. Not that I needed to. She whispered something incoherent - it sounded like a slurred "come on"- and twisted her fingers tightly in the front of my shirt, all but dragging me to the bed.

I dutifully obliged.

And from the moment she crashed down on top of me, I lost complete control of everything; the spool of my mind that was already slipping unraveled into a single thread with one thought: Hayley. All of her.

It was primal and desperate, for lack of a better word, a word that could only be described by the heavy kisses, slick touches, and raspy moans that followed soon after.

My lips were on her neck, my teeth creating flaws on her porcelain skin. Her eyes were closed and her face flushed red; she had originally tried to hide the flush of her cheeks with the back of her hand but had given up what seemed like hours ago. She blinked and gazed at me; the look in her eyes was enough to shoot a cheap thrill through my nerves.

I wanted to admit that I was sorry.

Sorry for the bizarre way I had pushed her aside at the funeral - only because I couldn't face the way her insecurities were painted so blatantly on her face. And although the words were so heavy on my tongue, I knew I wasn't strong enough to admit it. While she allowed her fears to show on her face, I couldn't. I wasn't that strong and I knew I never could be. The coils of the old radiator flashed a slow dance of fluorescence on her face; and suddenly the thought that I let a person with that much beauty endure so much pain was more than I could bear.

And with one chaste kiss on her lips and let myself into her, changing us into a sweet dance of suppressed desire, underlying guilt, and passion that - if I wasn't so damn drunk already - probably would have intoxicated me with impact alone.

I wasn't much of a dancer, but if it was for her, I would do my best.

I really hate that last line for some reason.